Leadership lessons for Moses, from the Torah… his woes, his father-in-law as mentor and God as Coach

Talk about a tough job load!  Yes, I know how hard many of our CEO’s have it, especially the women CEO’s and executives who not only have to juggle the demands of employees, customers, their Board, the Street and whatever current key stakeholder has their hooks into them at any given moment.  But for a minute consider Moses… when God handed him the Ten Commandments and told him he had to both lead his people out of servitude, into the desert AND institute an whole new set of policies and procedures.

Talk about change management!

These thoughts came screaming to me as I sat in temple in Boca Raton, Florida, for my niece’s son’s Bar Mitzvah.  The Torah reading was about Moses and the Ten Commandments.  The visiting Rabbi offered a few interesting stories in a similar vein.  My perspective quickly jumped to applying his ruminations to my field and how the executives I coach might benefit from this common sense viewpoint.

If Moses needed help in leading his people, and a big part of that help meant delegating, of course that applies not only to executives but anyone who’s managing others, right?  Well yes, except why is it that so many managers, especially CEOs, have a hard time doing just that?

Ego?  Perfectionism?  Control issues?  Just plain fear that they’ll screw it up?

All of the above?

Ok, you’ve come this far along your career because often times you’re the smartest person in the room and how can you possibly delegate your most critical tasks/projects/assignments to someone so wet behind the ears?

By knowing everyone’s strengths, playing to them, calibrating them along the way and by allowing enough ‘room’ for everyone to make their own mistakes (hey, you’ve made your fair share of them, right); as long as everyone gets to learn from them.  So they don’t get repeated.

If that sums up a lesson on delegating, what kind of message was God giving Moses about integrating?  He told him to not only respect his father-in-law (one of the commandments covered this already) but to go a step further and look to his years of wisdom, and his different perspective, as inspiration and guidance for Moses as he wondered how he’d manage the exodus our to Egypt and the 40 year struggle ahead.  A father-in-law as mentor, if you will.

Last by certainly not least, Moses looked to God for guidance, advice, insight, perspective… all of the wonderful things that a good coach brings to a relationship where leadership is critical and the leader is better served not trying to do it all alone.

Women lead with insight and compassion…

Don’t know if this is pc or not.  Calling out what I just keep noticing over and over again, in all kinds of industries, in all types of positions, across the six different decades I’ve had the good fortune to work with/for others.   Women make better leaders than men.  Maybe not managers… but maybe that too.  Definitely better leaders though.

I base my assertion on what appears to be a generally higher level of emotional intelligence, more intuitive decision making, more effective communicating and a cohort that is better able to motivate others through both personal and organizational connection.

Ok, a gross generalization.  Call it one man’s perspective.

These observations go all the way back to my first jobs during the wild and crazy ‘60’s (the first of my six different decades) when I was in High School working nights and weekends to put away enough money for college.  Vivid memories of my absolute worst bosses – supermarket manager who ruled through complete fear and intimidation (since he had no voice box due to throat cancer he had to harshly whistle his displeasure down isle 7); A/C repair boss who ruled by totally ignoring me all the way to the late pay checks that ultimately all bounced; Macy’s department store boss who somehow managed to straddle those two opposite styles leaving me and my peers completely disconnected from our jobs and the company.  The list goes on, but let those three stand as representative of my experience with male leadership.

Ok, not what you’d call sufficient evidence for an empirically scientific hypothesis.

The 70’s and 80’s were much better, in large part because I finally was able to work for/with some amazing women.  Like the South African Montessori teacher who took me under her wing and taught me the best parts of Maria Montessori’s method and how to distinguish it from the Americanized BS that came later.  And we founded and led a parent cooperative elementary school that in addition to a solid, grounded education helped a multitude of children and families navigate the emotional roller coaster of separation, divorce, blended families and all that life in the 80’s brought with it.  And the school is still going strong some thirty-five years later.

Or how about the woman who took a chance on a thirty-something aspiring entrepreneur to head up an energy services business that she and her husband wrote the business plan for as the for-profit sister to their not-for-profit socially responsible policy producing consulting firm?  Whereas I struggled to make the for-profit business succeed (the two years of mostly sleepless nights during which I feel I earned an MBA in how NOT to run a business), and failed, she managed to build her socially responsible business into a 100 million dollar organization while serving on many low income advocacy boards along with the board of the Vermont Businesses for Social Responsibility (the nation’s largest organization of its type).

Yes, I have had the good fortune to work with a few men who did lead with insight and humility, albeit sometimes lacking in compassion and grace.   They are out there, the exception to the rule, in my experience.

The good news is that women are making headway in the ranks of management and leadership.  As Lisa Belkin points out in her NY Times article, “Calling Mr. Mom”, women “are 50 percent of the workplace (and 51.4 percent of managerial and professional jobs). We receive three college degrees for every two earned by men (along with 60 percent of all master’s degrees, about half of all law and medical degrees and 43 percent of M.B.A.’s). Working wives are coming close to bringing in nearly half the household income.

As Ms. Belkin also points out women “currently make up only 3 percent of Fortune 500 C.E.O.’s”, so at the top leadership positions there are not a lot of role models.  Hopefully that is changing.

Her article is really more about work/life balance, in particular how that looks on the home front in terms of shared family responsibilities.  Definitely worth a read.   Maybe us men folk will learn about compassion and grace in the workplace by spending more time at home navigating diapers and tears?  Can’t hurt, can it?

Another season change…

Summer to fall, leaves dropping all around along with the temperature. A good time to check in with myself and take stock of all the things I’ve committed to over the past year, notice what’s grown, what’s gone fallow and what needs some attention.

Is it just me or do you notice too that we live in a culture that just doesn’t seem to value contemplation and reflection?

I’m not talking about the ‘stop and smell the roses’ kind either… though I sure do appreciate it when I take the time to do that. More of a ‘stop the presses’ kind of thing.

Slow down, reframe expectations. Stop filling the void with mindless chatter. Stop the chatter altogether.

Be here now…

So much easier said than done.

Being present is the best present I can give myself. It truly is a gift, because when I fully commit to being here now, fully present, away from the distractions and ‘shoulds’ and background chatter I am so much more capable of appreciating what I have. And in that appreciation, so much more capable of giving back to those that mean so much to me.

To my friends and family, my business associates and wonderful clients, thank you for all of your support and kindness this past year.

As the fall turns the hillsides into a blaze of reds and oranges and yellows, please join me in taking some time to stop the craziness of running from one thing to another and just acknowledge how lucky we all are to be here together.

Thank you!

How EI Competencies Lift the Bottom Line | Human Capital Institute

How EI Competencies Lift the Bottom Line | Human Capital Institute.

7 months into 2010… looking back at ’09

no way jose,

not in any way, shape, form, flow, or feeling…

no matter how you shape it, shake it, even bake it, it always comes back to 2009 was just an INSANE year…… on pretty much every level, though certainly not on every level.  But so many of the big ones – close friend & neighbor dying after a feisty, fierce, sometimes funny but mostly heart wrenchingly Fellini film-like unfolding; workload going from best-ever to slower than molasses; blended family issues galore; and the list goes on and on.  Really too bizarre to even remember them all much less take the precious time to write them down, and then maybe even share them far and wide, in the world-wide kinda way that blogging seems to be.

And then, when I realize this is just a piece, I mean even just a little piece, of EVERYTHING (sorry for using so many CAPS… last time, I promise) that’s going on, in pretty much every facet of life – family (all sides of it), work, life, balance (or lack of), the WORLD (I’m not even going to apologize for that one, but it will, really, it will, be, the last cap).

So what’s it all about (Alfie!), before we get to our last stop???

This insanely out of control year, 2009, and now, after a half year’s time of reflecting on all of that…

Nothing to do but move into a different mode.  Back to self.  Trying to be conscious of how hard it’ll be to keep the little kid in me from freaking out and not get lost in my Judeo-Christian  guilt and shame, for just wanting to take care of myself, and not struggle so much.  The struggle of not getting it right, so many times, and still, not always getting it right. Especially in times of crisis.  Craziness.  Feeling like the world is spinning around so fast it like ta knock me on my tushy. And can’t do nothin’ bout it.

And that is why I have regressed to my total kid self, selfishness and all, while at the exact same time feeling older than dirt.  And we’re talking ancient dirt here.  Not what’s been sittin at your feet the past two weeks, building fur ball boulders (one big dog and four cats later, and two of those cats are huge Maine coons).

Not that kind of dirt.

Primordial.

Fully universal.

And present … fully present.  Not every exact moment, but most of the time.

That’s the trick.  Staying present… no matter what.

What helps you stay present?

The 3-legged Stool of Leadership

This particular line of reasoning was originally inspired by an educator, Parker Palmer (http://www.couragerenewal.org/), who wrote a few books on this theme, Courage to Teach and Courage to Lead.  His hypothesis goes something like this…

 Good teachers are good at two essential elements of teaching – they know their subject (content experts) and they know how to teach it (pedagogy).  All well and good.

 Palmer suggests that the one single characteristic that separates good teachers from great teachers is what he calls the “Third Leg” – knowing, and successfully managing, yourself. 

 Boy does that make sense.  Think about the great teachers you’ve had in your life; hopefully you’ve been fortunate to have more than one.  Yes they knew their subject. And yes, they utilized many of the effective teaching strategies that bring learning to life – full engagement, Socratic method, connecting content to current interests.  But what else did they have?

 They knew themselves and were not afraid to insert themselves into the course material; either through self effacing humor, pertinent revelatory story telling, or just plain honest assessments of where they were on any particular day and how that might effect that day’s teaching.

 The same can be said for great leaders.  Yes, they need to know their business (content expertise) and they need to know how to manage people and processes (similar to pedagogy for teachers). 

 They also lead by example.  Whether they like it or not.  So, the third leg for them is even more critical.  They not only need to talk the talk (shared vision, clarity of goal alignment, common understanding of core values), they need to walk their talk.  Pretty much all of the time.

 And in this crazy busy, email driven, multi media overload, topsy turvey business climate that is the new millennium, how’s a regular guy or gal supposed to manage that?

 Daily practice.  That’s how.

 Yup, if you are a leader in your organization, your community, your family, you need to be paying attention to how you go about managing yourself. 

 And the best way to do that is through a regular, consistent, centering practice that you do no matter what else is going on.  Can you miss a day occasionally?  Of course!   And, that is to be expected.  Just like healthy eating habits, having that hot fudge sundae every now and then is a key part of healthy living, not something to feel guilty about.  As long as it’s in moderation, as long as you get back to your ‘regular’ healthy habits.

 The best part of this, in today’s world, is how many different types of Daily practices there are to choose from – yoga (in all of its many forms; Kundalini, Kirpalu, Ashtanga, Hatha, Tantric, Bikrum, to name just a few), tai chi, Akido, meditation, running, walking, spinning, jogging.  The list goes on and on. 

 Of course Daily practice alone won’t cut it. 

 Regular feedback (how are we doing, how are we showing up, what impact are we having), ideally of the 360 variety, along with feed-forward (clear vision and goals of where we’re heading, what we want our  teams to be doing/achieving, what it will look like when we’re successful) are also part of the mix.

As is having enough time and energy to actually do all of this  – which includes paying attention to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being.  To keep track of how we’re doing, in real time, and to maintain a healthy, balanced perspective, I encourage you to check out Jim Loehr’s work in the area by starting with a free self assessment at: http://hpinstitute.com/assessment_profile.html).  His book, “Managing Your Energy, Not Your Time – The Power of Full Engagement” is one of the best books I’ve seen on this topic. 

If you feel like your two legs are tired, wobbly or just plain not enough to get you through the day, try developing your third leg.  It’s there.  Just in need of a little attention and TLC. 

 

 

 

 

Buddhism and Business… intersections and intentions

As an executive coach, serving a diverse array of organizations, I have the opportunity to witness the world of business (both for and not-for profit types of businesses) from a very interesting perspective; kind of inside/outside.

Often it’s not a pretty sight.

High drama masquerading as management. Disregard for family life, work/life balance. Positions of power wielded as weapons. Lack of acknowledgement for work well done. A general disregard of individual contributions, and/or team efforts. Lack of accountability. Failure to speak the truth. The list goes on, but I’m sure you know it all too well.

The funny (and I’m not talking ha-ha funny here) thing is that in almost ALL cases this is not a matter of malicious intent. In fact, in almost every case these are good people with good intentions. I suppose the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ has more than a subtle connection to the world of business.

The prolific list of management books is another snapshot into these ills. HR departments offer workshops. Leadership centers tote the well-intentioned method of the month.

And yet, our workplace cultures seem to be stuck in neutral. In some cases, reverse!

What’s a business person to do?

Buddhists have three principles which I believe point us in the right direction.

These three consist of:
1. Sila: Virtue, good conduct, morality. This is based on two fundamental principles:

•  The principle of equality: that all living entities are equal.
•  The principle of reciprocity: This is the “Golden Rule” in Christianity — to do onto others as you would wish them      to  do onto you. It is found in all major religions.

2. Samadhi: Concentration, meditation, mental development. Developing one’s mind is the path to wisdom which in turn leads to personal freedom. Mental development also strengthens and controls our mind; this helps us maintain good conduct.

3. Prajna: Discernment, insight, wisdom, enlightenment. This is the real heart of Buddhism. Wisdom will emerge if your mind is pure and calm.

I do have an issue with the “Golden Rule” — as Stephen Covey so wisely pointed out, it’s better to do onto others as THEY would like to be done onto, since other folks don’t necessarily want what we want. But otherwise I have to say Buddhism offers some important core values Business would be wise to adopt. Whatever your religion, these are values that go way beyond family values, and worthy of our attention, and intention.

Leading from within, and without…

Authentic leadership… a term bandied about quite a bit these days.

And for good reason. It is exactly the kind of leadership we hunger for — in our politicians, our sports heroes and at work.

But what exactly is it? Maybe, like pornography, hard to define but we know what it is when we see it. Lately, especially in the political and sports arenas, leadership has seemed more pornographic than authentic.

For me, the authentic side of leadership both begins and ends with our integrity. Our integrity really depends on self knowledge, humility and a willingness to have the difficult conversations that most of us put off, day after day, year after year.

So, we need to first be honest with ourselves, which sounds a whole lot easier than it is. Yes, we can surround ourselves with people who are willing and able to mirror the hidden sides of ourselves. So that even if they aren’t capable of having those ‘difficult conversations’ with us, at least our minds and bodies will go into sufficient reaction to let us know that it is really as much about us as it is about them.

We can practice the kind of humility that Jim Collins describes in his wonderful book “Good to Great”, where he talks about great leaders as those that practice ‘the window and the mirror’ at work. When something good happens at work, great leaders look out the window (or their office door) and point to the people who helped make it happen. When things go wrong (and it really is when, not if) they look in the mirror and take the heat themselves (the buck stops here).

Difficult conversations… we know what those are. They’re all the things that we keep putting off, hoping the problems will either go away by themselves, or the people will go away, or someone else will take care of it.

Those are some of the things that constitute the within side of the equation.

The without?

That’s the trick of being able to do all of this without dogma, without blame, without judgment.

That’s my definition of authentic leadership.

How do you feel about that?

more on Polarities…

If you missed my last entry on Navigating Doula Polarities, let me bring you up to speed on my current thinking, vis-à-vis managing the sometimes seemingly ridiculous paradoxes, conundrums and ambiguities of life. I think you know what I’m referring to. For instance… on the one hand, we want to preserve our core values, hold onto those traditions and rituals that bring a smile to our face and joy to our heart. That bind our family together. The healthy habits that make it easy to love our loved ones.

On the other hand, with the world changing faster and faster by the second, roles changing, expectations forever evolving of who we are and what we are required to do to merely make it through the day, we’re encouraged, even provoked into changing at a rapidly increasing pace. Stand still, and get run over.

Change with the times. Evolve.

Stay the course. Be true to ourselves.

Both are true, at different points in time. Knowing when to pick one over the other is part of the art of living. Being conscious and present enough, in each moment of time, to know, based on what is actually true right now (not allowing ourselves to be swayed by our expectations, our biases, our assumptions).

Preserve the core. Or. Adapt and grow.

Just one of the many polarities to be navigated.

Other polarities you might be familiar with…

Work/Play. Act/Reflect. Introversion/extraversion. Me/We.

All polarities. All examples of where, if you spend too much time on one end, or the other, you feel imbalanced, out of whack, off kilter.

Too much time by myself and I begin to feel isolated, alone. Too much time with others and I’m drained, exhausted, overwhelmed (is it just me or do the holidays tend to be exhausting for mostly this reason?).

And that’s why, after being a student of human and organizational psychology for most of my adult life, and more recently in the past decade a fan of Polarity Management, I have come to appreciate that we really can’t so much manage polarities as navigate them. Polarity management implies that we can plan for, control, and direct the course of the polarities. I propose that in most cases it’s really a matter of reading what’s appropriate for that specific moment in time and adjusting our balance accordingly.
Not dissimilar to riding a wave (if you’re surfing), sailing in a storm, or skiing down a steep mountain in the midst of a white out. You need to make decisions based on what’s happening in real-time. Split second stuff. The ultimate Be Here Now. And, when we actually do that, navigate the hills and valleys of whatever life is hurls our way… what a rush! In the zone. At the top of our game.

With a little proactive training (meditation, regular exercise, yoga, whatever type of mindfulness training works) , I suggest that we can spend more of our time there, in our zone, riding that wave; whatever life throws us.

Life’s short. Why not ride it in style.

Navigating Doula Polarities

Well… first, polarities. That paradoxical pairing of seemingly incompatible opposites, that, it turns out, are more often than not just two sides of the very same coin.

For all of us, the only universal polarity is life and death. We all were born. We all will die. Now, is it just me, or do you notice that, even though this is the ONLY thing we ALL have in common, it rarely, if ever, gets talked about! The death and/or dying part anyway, unless we’re talking about someone else’s funeral.

For most of us, probably the easiest one to identify is… love/hate; sometimes a very fine line there. One minute, we’re feeling the love, the next we want to either run away from that person, as fast as we can, or inflict ridiculous amounts of pain. And maybe then run away.

Others… how about work/life? For you workaholics, maybe one in the same, but for most of us an ever elusive back-and-forth between what sometimes feels like an impossible competition; a no-win situation.

Though, when we get it right, we find work/life in a sublime state of balance. We’ve not only done our very best work at work, but managed to simultaneously navigate all of our home connections, and not just as an after thought, but, as an integral part of the people we love and trust the most… a complete win-win, in any book. Very sweet indeed.

Other polarities we navigate… me/we, action/reflection, advocacy/inquiry, concrete/abstract, mensch/putz.

You get the drift.

It’s not that one is right and the other wrong, although in certain situations, and here’s where the ‘navigation’ part factors in, it is in our best interest to move from one side of the polarity to the other. Quickly at times.

We need both sides. As crazy as it may seem, even the ‘hate’ side of love/hate; though my mother must be rolling in her grave, as she admonished her kids to “never use that word”. If we rework that word as a mere representation of the dark side in all of us, that might help make it more palatable. And understandable. We all have a dark side. For some of us it’s more hidden, but it’s there. And, when it pops out, often when we’re not even aware, it is dark and nasty and negative. Better to be aware of our dark side, know that it will rear its ugly head at some point, so we can be prepared to apologize, make amends, perform the necessary damage control, or whatever it is that needs to be owned and cleaned up.

Sometimes it is about we and sometimes it just needs to be about me. Sometimes it is all about the action at hand, and other times we just need to be in a state of reflection, when not doing anything is the wisest choice.

On to the “doula” part of the heading of this post… the explanation is a little bizarre, so please bear with me.

For most of my entire adult life, since the ritualistic young age of 13, I’ve had the opportunity to be ‘up close and personal’ with death, and dying. At 13 it was my maternal grandfather, Isaac, my favorite grandparent, a mensch of a man if there ever was one. Then, for a multitude of reasons, I experienced death of close family members pretty much every few years. Aunt Evelyn, dying of cancer a few years later, when she was in her early fifties. Then, only a few years later, her son, Victor, died in a freak accident while celebrating his graduation from college. On and on, and not just grandparents and aunts and uncles, but most of my ‘younger’ cousins, each dying before their time. Lots of funerals. Lots of mourning, and grief.

In some of the more recent deaths, I played a more active role than that of a grieving family member. With my very dear cousin Betty (we were the two youngest of the eleven maternal cousins, and grew up together not only in our home town of New Rochelle, but then as adults in Northern Vermont), I sat by her side and helped her let go, as she finally was able to release herself from the ravages of MS and, right before she passed away, transformed her whole face with a radiant smile reminiscent of the ones we shared while playing Peter Pan and Wendy on her swing set in her families suburban backyard.

I helped my mom and dad in similar ways when it was their time to pass on. Comforting them with the knowledge that death was not something to be feared, but to be embraced, as a comfort and relief from the pain and suffering they had endured for way too long. And, that the ones they loved and were leaving would be ok, would have their love within them, even though their physical presence would be gone.

My wife Lisa is a birth doula. She has spent the past thirty years helping women and their partners find the inner resources that best work for them to navigate the fears of child-birth, finding the joy and beauty in whatever kind of birth they end up with, be it natural childbirth, C-section, or anything in between. As Lisa likes to say, it’s her contribution to world peace, helping families begin their new configurations as connected and judgment-free as possible.

My role seems to be at the other end of the life cycle. Helping people find the peace and comfort in letting go of this lifetime, with the comfort of knowing that there is more than just this lifetime, even if we don’t have any physical evidence of what that next experience will be. The ultimate test of being able to let go and just ‘trust the dance’.

We don’t have to wait for our death-bed to understand that this is a great way to live; outside of fear, letting go of control, having faith that the love we’ve given our family and friends will not only help sustain them, but will be our living legacy. Now, and forever.